In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
You Might Also Like
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Printer ink is expensive
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.