Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?

Me: Yes please.

Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?

Me: What?

Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.

Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.

Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go

[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?

little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

parents nowadays: video games are too violent

parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!

Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

[emergency room]

NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?

ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts

WIFE: I hate you

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”