In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
I like crazy people until they notice me
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?
7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!
Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?
7yo: I don’t know.
Called it
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.