In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
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“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
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(人＿＿つ_つ
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Urban Dictionary defines Heck:
Where you go if you don’t believe in Gosh.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one