In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
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“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Easy enough.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful