In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
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Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
The Punning Dead.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
You want me to work for exposure? the thing that killed Marie Curie?
Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.