In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
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If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but it’s not necessary to show it off.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.