In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
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My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
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Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Pretty much! 😂👀
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.