[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
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Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
selfie game
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
Passenger announcement: This is for a Mr Torris off the Barcelona flight, a Mr Clee Torris. I’m trying to find a Clee Torris. If anyone knows where a Clee Torris is, please let me knoCOLIN YOU BAST…
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Glad I had the coat closet redone so that everyone can continue leaving jackets and bags everywhere except the coat closet
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat