[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
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Breaking news:
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me