[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
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As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
my first dose meeting my second
