Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.

guy cleaning a diner bathroom let me walk in but said “no poo poo” and I very seriously nodded and assured him “no poo poo”

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

me: can I give your dog a pet?

him: sure

me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*

dog: thanks

Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

Wife: we argue a lot about money

Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-

Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

If you’re giving me directions and you say, “Head north,” I’m going to think you mean toward the sky.

just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused

I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.

I wouldn’t recommend it.

So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.

Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour

8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]

Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.

[many decades later]

Me: Oh no.

13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?

Me: ok Socrates time for bed

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

Adding “but that’s just me” after giving the absolute worst dogshit advice to a coworker

A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

Cilantro tastes like soap.

– People who eat soap, apparently

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?

I ordered a pizza.

I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.

Is it free if it’s 5 years late?

“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”

-my kids, fact checking me

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.