In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
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Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
“it’s just like riding a bicycle”
Oh cool the one vehicle I’ve crashed the most
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce