In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
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Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Can anyone recommend some basic intrusive thoughts for someone looking to get into anxiety?
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
Library patron of the week: the kindergartener whose parting shot at checkout was, “You haven’t seen the last of ME.”
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?