In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
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who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Nothing to do, you say?
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.