In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
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Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Sex so good you see dead people.
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.