In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
You Might Also Like
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
yeah not falling for this one
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
A friend sent me this.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
As a kid: I can’t wait to stay up late and no one can tell me when to go to bed
Me at 41: ope my fitness device just said it’s bedtime. I better go.
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep