Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock

It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!

“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

Midwest trash talk

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Me: I brought you some bird seed.

Rad Pigeon: Coo’

I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.

go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle

Hospital bills feel like:

Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.

Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.

Now what?

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

And as it is written, hot girl summer fades to crow girl autumn. We are snatching fries out of midair, we are hoarding shiny objects in a hollowed out stump, we are standing ominously over a gravesite.

Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

* flips hair, potato chip falls out *

You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.