In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
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I caught a wild peeve, but it’s always bothered me when people make pets of things so I let it go.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
*orders delivery*
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
they should invent a rest for the wicked
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
There’s an envelope on my doormat with “DO NOT BEND” on it. What am I supposed to do, then – pick it up with my foot?
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake