Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.

[about to be murdered]

ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*

MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.

My firstborn put our house on Yelp and left a review stating the food is great but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

discovering that i’ve become kind of a savant for determining if checked baggage is under the weight limit because 23kg is just a bit under the weight of a full 20L keg. just one of the many positive things beer has given me

Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler

The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.

[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]

wife: how did the interview go?!

me: terrible

wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?

me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster

7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?

me: yes

7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?

me:

SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.

When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

I always hear “Sabotage” by the Beastie Boys in my head prior to doing dumb shit but it’s a such a banger of a tune it just encourages me more

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

me, flirting: did it hurt?

her: what

me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face