In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
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Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
Saw your ex at the shops
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you: