Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”

5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.

Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.

I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.

*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.

i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget

The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy

Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan

I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end

I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat

I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.

I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to

I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”

Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.

Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?