Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”

“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”

KID: *goes kicking and screaming*

TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight

ADULT: Thank you so much

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.

Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.

This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.

We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.

Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.

Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer

I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

I’m being forced to attend a family dinner tonight at a priest’s house…

There’s no such thing as a surprise exorcism, right?

I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”

Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

[playing D&D&D]

Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.

“I want her skin.”

-Serial killers and teenage girls

Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*

NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!

SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.

Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match

One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.

I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.

15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule