In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
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Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
you’re so productive for your wage
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did