In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
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boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no