Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?

You’re welcome.

I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.

*crunch*
too salty

*crunch*
this one is broken

*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry

*crunch*
not salty enough

*crunch*
broken again

I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.

The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.

I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.

Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.

Looking for a plus one for my wedding.

My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this

We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen

If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone

[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.

[At Justice League headquarters]

Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?

Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]

The Flash: [runs to the ATM]

Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]

Batman: WTF dude

People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.

Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat

Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.

Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?