In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
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While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Family guy is so insane bc why were ppl dating that dog
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland