In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
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My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
