In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
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HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Behind every robot that turns evil is an engineer who specifically installed red LEDs into the eyes just for this scenario.
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I did not eat the cake…
