In Russia, Pokemon find you.
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“Come on guys, we gotta go!”
“One more minute.”
“Brad was supposed to fill up yesterday.”
“Sorry guys, I forgot.”
“Goddamnit, Brad.”
“Um, guys?”
“What?”
“I don’t have my credit card.”
“GODDAMNIT, BRAD.”
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
🧠
This hospital has everything
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.