In Russia, the cold complains about you.
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Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny. It was my newt.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Man these end times are taking forever
Is your wife single?
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.