Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

his wife is probably gonna see that

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer

It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.

will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.

corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here

me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out

Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention

Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!

Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.

I hate fungi but then it grew on me.

Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…

*opens laptop
*types

Wife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE

My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’

Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach

I thought about poking him in the eye and saying “a lesson”

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences

Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks

Judge: divorce granted

*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings

Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!

Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.

Mine:

“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”

Oddly specific.

If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

[car accident]

Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!

Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?

Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.

Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar