In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
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My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
But is it really??
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]