In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
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878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
I have obtained a hat
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
They call cat people crazy but we’re not the ones outside at 5AM every morning putting fresh dog poop into tiny baggies.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design
Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh