In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
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Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Another interesting #factupdates post!
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.
Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”
FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Do not levitate over flowers
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”