In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
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I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My boss: Do I pay you for napping?
Me: No, I do that for free.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
thanksgiving should be called feaster