Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere

My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked

I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat

In scandinavia they’re called fjarts

Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried

I have two arms and should easily overpower him

I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.

Don’t take drugs… for granted.

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!

Me: *changes the WiFi password*

The three things Im grateful for:

1. Family

2. Friends

3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again

In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.

Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]

5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.

[Inventing limes]

God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol

Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.

i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket