Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school

There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”

me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

Frog: WAKE ME UP!

Snake: Wake me up inside!

Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order

DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.

urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.

RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!

Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game

A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’

I was mildly embarrassed, that one time at the liquor store, when I sampled the aged scotch because the look on the guy’s face clearly indicated I should not have shot it back like I was at a frat party.

I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

God: you’re a zebra.

Zebra: nice!

God: you have black stripes.

Zebra: like a tiger?

God: yes exactly!

Zebra: so we’re the same!

God: no.

Zebra: why not?

God: you eat grass instead of meat.

Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!

[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote

The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies

[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]

Okay. Weigh me now

The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”

He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD