In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
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Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
i hope my email finds you on fire
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
had to make it
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.