Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away

corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-

me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”

I could NOT have put it better myself.

Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”

You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly

BREAKING NEWS

Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls

Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?

Her: it’s onomatopoeia.

Me: on what mat up there?

Wish all of my viruses were this polite

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

me: how much is the funny smelling spray

clerk: perfume?

me: no the whole bottle

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

Veganism is responsible for The Fall.

Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.