Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.

me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.

me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH

PLEASE READ

Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.

Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual looking

ME: Yeah, he’s interbred

DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for

Who the hell does that in a sock?!?

*squishes out of the room*

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.

ME: Oh that makes much more sense.

[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]

What was the point in making your car louder, bro?

Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?

Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Boss: This is my wife Sue and my kids…

Me: Whoa! Look at the MELON on this little guy. Man…hope he was a c-section Hahaha!

Boss:

Me:

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.