in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
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Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
long lost
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Sometimes I wish I spoke seagull. There’s a bunch of them on the roof & one of them has clearly cracked the joke of the year because the rest are all laughing their heads off
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”