Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.

Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me

Washing machine doesn’t give a shit

The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

If a snake ate a cake

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.

I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.

JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school

ME: i do not relate

JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs

ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking

“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.

Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.

I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
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“Oh god wait.”

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?

Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs

one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭

Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.

I look at how fast my boys are growing and sometimes feel sad at the thought of them moving out some day. Which immediately turns into anxiety as I think “but what if they never move out?”

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

[town square in a thunderstorm]

Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.

His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrella

Galileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*

Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*