In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
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Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Hey everyone, I’m ABSOLUTELY obsessed with this new web series I’ve been marathoning where I non-stop refresh a worldwide coronavirus counter
Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.