In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
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No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django