In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
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“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
I just can’t think what this suitcase is the best thing since?
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
My wife gives the best headache.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
a badder mouse
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”