Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.

Now I’m living in a flat.

whelp that’s enough instagram for today

I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again

This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.

When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!

I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

Three pints is nice. Three pints is when you can talk a little too enthusiastically about Coyote Ugly but there’s no real risk of attempting to do a Coyote Ugly yet.

grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-

*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*

grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

Catering service

I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.

old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca

“Do you have any children?”

Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

[Grocery Store]

Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?

Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.

I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.

Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.

I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese😳 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!

How high do the levels go?

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

GF: …I’m pregnant

ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news

Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

wtf is a larm clock?

[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion

According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.