Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

You found a baby spider in here?

-Yeah, but only one.

*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*

Just. One?

[Never. Sleeps. Again.]

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?

If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.

[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag

I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.

Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.

Yeah, me too.

GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or

so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?

… sounds better than tinder

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday

Me: How’s it going?

Coworker: Can’t complain.

Me: Try harder.

Coworker: Life is meaningless.

Me: Atta boy.

witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven

me: mean witch! but cunning

gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven

me: the chess game continues. Genius

witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate

me: oh

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

Thoughts

Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

[at mechanic]

me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment

mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts

We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.

Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*

this was very charming