Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.

I was an ugly baby.

It’s been downhill since then.

wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh

Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish

*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn

My girlfriends good traits :

She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.

Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.

What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?

Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.

Women are scary.

Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.

did you know that before the crowbar was invented,

crows used to drink at home….

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop