Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

Nobody ever collects famous first words.

I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

This is the best photo of Mount Fuji

customer: can I return this bird food?

me: we don’t take returns

customer: then can I give some feedback?

me: I told you no

“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.

Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.

Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me

Her: like a mom

Me: haha exactly, and—

Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili

I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.

Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’

Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”

In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.

“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”

Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership

I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior

Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”

did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?