In search of a lawyer who handles the most heinous of crimes. My 4yo woke me up at 5:30 this morning by sneezing in my face and then hopped away like a bunny.
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If we all just agree, this could be a 3 day weekend too
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Your secret is safeish with me
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.