Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.

Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.

When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.

Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub

God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.

*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine

Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.

I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.