in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
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When I (vegetarian) hear the server list the specials and don’t want to hurt their feelings: Hmmm the filet mignon sounds really nice. Shrimp linguine, that I’m sure is delicious too. Let me think oh yeah I’ll have the fries.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.