in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
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my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Fruity
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Gotta say, as a Canadian, watching this season of America has been absolutely riveting. Kudos to the writers.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.