In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
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I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*