Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..

*how I slept

William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development

I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm

i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do

Wife: who are all these children?

Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids

Wife: I meant our kids

Me: yeah, that makes more sense

me: what are you going to be when you grow up?

5: beautiful.

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart

Email: You have a new message in MyChart

Text message: You have a new message in MyChart

Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart

The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart

Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall

Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.

My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.

My one weakness is indecision.

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

Need WebMD

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game

It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.

Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.