In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
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Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?
It’s Journalism 101, people!
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.