In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
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watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Teacher: *carrying basket full of massive fruit* good morning, class. Today we will be working in pears
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
Them: Are you single?
Me, stuffing food in my face: Oh no. I’m at least a double. Probably a king sized
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
7: Mom can I tell you the longest dream I had?
Me: Why don’t you write it down so I can absorb it? But first tell Dad.
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Meanwhile in Canada…
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.