In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
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According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Me to my kid: Don’t play with the fruits, don’t use swear words
Also me: drops the apples held in my hands, exclaims “oh hell”
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Never mess with a drunken pig.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.