Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you

DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude

Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?

Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.

[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.

To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds

I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.

[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]

If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.

5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.

“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”

-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu

Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.

If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks

road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

Email translations:

“I was under the impression”
Translation: I’m furious

“As per my email”
Translation: I’m furious

“With respect”
Translation: I’m furious

“Whilst I appreciate”
Translation: I’m furious

“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Translation: I’m furious

“As previously discussed”
Translation: I’m furious

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

*wakes up in a cold sweat*

Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes

Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

No one:

My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock