In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day he checked the comments and replies, and got the idea for hell.
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Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
DATE: [whispering in my ear] i’ve got a secret
ME: [also whispering] is it tacos
DATE: [giggles] no
ME: can it be tacos
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”