In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
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Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
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[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.