In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
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From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
Someone asked me if I love exercising now that I’m working with a personal trainer, and I laughed. Then my husband laughed. Then the cake I saved for my midnight snack laughed.
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
being a latchkey kid was sad but kids who had a parent home to greet them never got to live in that lawless two hours where you could eat something weird and you and your brother could hit each other
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Shoutout to professions in fantasy stories that have ominous, threatening, badass names.
To hell with job like fighter or thief. You’re a HELLBLADE. What does that mean? Duh. It means you blade hells. If there is a hell, you will blade it. They will never understand your work
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
My husband just walked in the bedroom and said “love of my life look alike contest… you already won” lmfao
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined