In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
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When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”