In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
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My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Free him
A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss