In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
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“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!