In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
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Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
#Caturday
I don’t think Spotify knows what a genre is. Apparently I’ve been listening to “indie punk death raccoon disco” all year.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know