In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
You Might Also Like
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
I have just finished interviewing a young man for a job at my workplace.
I asked him, “Can you perform under pressure?”
He replied: “Im not sure, but I do an amazing Bohemian Rhapsody!”
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
We avoided this particular disaster
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
I accidentally left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days and boy does it smell like I left two bags of broccoli in a 90 degree car for 3 days.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek