In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
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Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
My son told me I should have a coffee detox, I was so upset I couldn’t sleep for hours.
That’s why… not cause he was right or anything
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Good lord
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.