In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
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“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
Covid like
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
…u ok Nintendo?
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
