BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
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Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
ME: If you had the Sorting Hat on, which Hogwarts House do you think you’d be assigned to
DATE: Idk, none of that is real
ME: I bet I’d be in Hufflepuff
ME: Do you think Snape’s clothes were soft
DATE: I gotta go
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
elephants sleep standing up you could be chillin with an elephant and at any moment they could just be like “lmao for sure, g’night”
[at a bar]
ME: I’m gonna ask that girl out.
FRIEND: Okay, but don’t be weird.
SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don’t say anything stupid.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.