@rablivingstone

In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them

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@Tmoney68

BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.

@perlhack

Mobster: we need to set up a shell company

Lobster: let me handle this, boss

@Home_Halfway

ME: If you had the Sorting Hat on, which Hogwarts House do you think you’d be assigned to
DATE: Idk, none of that is real
ME: I bet I’d be in Hufflepuff
DATE: Okay
ME:
DATE:
ME;
DATE:
ME: Do you think Snape’s clothes were soft
DATE: I gotta go

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!

@BillFienberg

Dad: What do you want for your birthday?

Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.

Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.

@truegritrumble

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

@EndhooS

Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No

@Bill_Nye_Tho__

elephants sleep standing up you could be chillin with an elephant and at any moment they could just be like “lmao for sure, g’night”

@dafloydsta

[at a bar]

ME: I’m gonna ask that girl out.

FRIEND: Okay, but don’t be weird.

SOCK PUPPET ON MY HAND: And don’t say anything stupid.

@Jackson5toLife

Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.