In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
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*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
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