[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
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I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
I hope Google never goes down. I know like six, maybe seven, things.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning