[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
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Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth