[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
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What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Me : I will never work for my boss again…
She : Why ? What did he said to you??
Me : ‘You are Fired’
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Nurse: “This may hurt.”
Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.