In space, no one can hear…
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Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
it’s not been my year
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]